


What love is by Maya Hart

by IAmForeverChanged



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Drama, Friends to Lovers, Little Maya and Riley, Minor Rucas - Freeform, They're both in love with each other, True Love, heartbreaking in a good way hopefully, pretty much a rant of my feelings about love, pure fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-01-18 10:04:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12385959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IAmForeverChanged/pseuds/IAmForeverChanged
Summary: The tittle explains itself. Maya is a confused smol bean too smart for her own good, Riley is there helping her understand amongst all the mess in her head. They learn to love together.





	1. Chapter 1

What is love? This is a question that’s been on my mind since I can remember. We hear about it, we talk about it, we´ve watched all about it since we were 3 years old in movies, fairy tales where the prince got the princess at the end and the luckiest ones of us might even get to experience it, maybe even watch it grow on their own parents.  
It’s not as simple as simple as ¨what is love? ¨ Though. Since I was a little kid I’ve been intrigued with anything and everything about it; what it exactly entails, each type of love, how it happens and especially the way it just goes away. This part I obsessed with a bit when I was younger. You´ll see, I learned very early in my life what it was for love to just disappear in a moment. I was just starting to get what was all that deal with love when it was taken away from me so… I kind of learned to let it go.  
I just figured I wasn´t that princess from the fairy tale, you know? And it made sense because princesses had castles and I had leaks on my ceiling, princesses had nice dresses and I had sneakers that were on the verge to have holes in them, their parents were kings and queens while I had now a single mom that was home late every day (working her ass off) that cried every night, this last thing made me turn my head away from all the princesses on the TV and the storybooks on my nightstand because even then the sound of my mom crying didn´t go well on my stomach and as I crawled to my mom´s bed that night, I knew she had been crying so I cuddled to her chest and whispered that I didn´t like to see her cry. I don´t remember much about that house but I do remember it was cold. Now I know we didn´t have money for heat, but I also remember that night and my mom wrapping her arms around me and I know little me had warm.  
She kissed me In the head and whispered with such softness that only a mom has for their child ¨You are my life¨ We both held on to each other with such a strength I kind of accepted that I was not a princess and it was ok. I also figured it was ok too if I didn´t get the love from those fairy tales either.  
It was love, the beginning and everything I owe it to that woman and I might have not been princes but I had the warmth of another heart comforting mine and soon I would realize how special and unconditional it was.  
So that´s how 6 years old Maya saw love at the time. One year and 6 months later though, something with the strength of a tornado would come to my life to teach little me some things about love and I had no idea then how it was going to change things.  
It went by the name of Riley Mathews. That little girl brings 7 year old me a whole new world of madness and a whole lot of brand new questions to add to the love incognita.  
You see, in reality, Riley Mathews did not live in a castle just a nice apartment on New York City, but it sure as hell looked like a castle on my eyes at the time. Riley and well her house made this tingly feeling appear on my stomach. It all started the first time I had mac and cheese for dinner there and everyone sat at the table, they talked and addressed me and well, were there for a change before 10 pm.  
It only grew each time Riley´s dad would bring Riley candy every afternoon and shortly started bringing me as well. It kept happening every time I saw this distinctive light on Riley´s eyes when we were together because maybe I wasn’t as lonely as I felt. I was confused at first since it was all new but it didn´t take me long to identify that as a good feeling.  
It started slow; it was like seeing light for the first time. It didn´t take me that long to realize that Riley was, in fact, a princess. She had to be! She had the castle, the king and queen that showered her with love and candy and family trips. She had that light in her eyes and I knew anyone in the world would be mesmerized with that so I knew one way or another fate said Riley was getting her prince. This thought actually scared me a bit because I figured when the prince showed up he would take Riley away to live with him on his castle I mean, I sure as hell would if I had the love of someone like Riley but I wasn´t a princess, much less a prince and I didn´t know what love was so I made a plan to stay close to Riley as long as I could so I could bring happiness to her. I mean, it was either that or make a completely different and elaborated plan to kidnap the girl and take her with me to live in the woods or something but with my luck we’d get eaten by bears in a week, so I figured I would try my best to bring the other girl the same in return so she wouldn´t abandon me as father did.  
For a while, I meant to ask Riley what love was but the question kind of got stuck on my throat every time because I was kind of scared to explain to Riley that I was no princess and that´s why I didn´t understand the concept of it. I was scared Riley´s eyes wouldn´t shine the same way for me if I did so I kept my mouth shut.  
Some time happened and mom and I moved off the cold house to a new, different one that wasn´t as cold. There were still a few leaks from time to time that didn´t go away for a long time and mom came home pretty much at the same time than before but there was a bunch more of food in the fridge and little me had two new pair of shoes that summer. Shoes, an apartment and a pair of eyes that shined brighter than the sun. 7 was definitely a good year.  
Truth is, I never had to ask Riley what was the meaning on love back then because she gave me that information on the night before her eighth birthday without me having the need to actually ask.  
I was just a few months to turn 9 and we were laying on Riley´s bed since the only thing Riley asked from me was to be right next to her through all the day of her birthday, beginning and ending so I was sleeping over as well as the next day. Riley was practically bouncing on her side of the bed rambling about everything she would do with me the next day and I thought I would never stop smiling. She started talking about all the ice cream we would eat tomorrow (this new ice cream shop being her newest obsession) and then stopped talking abruptly.  
¨Maya oh my god I can´t believe I didn´t notice this before! I´m not- It’s all messed up!” She exclaimed, ever so dramatic making me raise an eyebrow in amusement “You know how they only let you have 3 flavors? Well, I was supposed to have cookies and cream, birthday cake (duh), cereal milk and I heard there´s a new pizza flavor I was so excited to have that Maya! It just won't-¨  
¨Riles!¨ I said to my friend that looks to be on the verge of crying ¨Hun, I´ll have the pizza flavor and we can share it´s ok, it´ll be perfect¨  
¨But Maya! You only have strawberry, pizza, and strawberry that´s just crazy! You can't-¨ She asked and I cut her off laughing at her madness.  
¨Riles you´re having birthday cake and cookies with your cereal so mine isn´t nearly that bad besides, I would do anything for you, sunshine, even if It was like red pepper sauce on a cone or something¨ I must have turned a switch on that little nuthead because suddenly she was hugging me like I just gave her a second berry the bear bear.  
¨This is why I love you, peaches¨ she said with her head buried on my hair making me feel like I was the most special girl in the world.  
¨I-I don´t understand¨ I said honestly.  
¨What do you mean, peaches? I said I love you¨ she said, that dopey smile on her face.  
¨ Yeah, but why?¨  
¨Well, my mom and dad say that to each other all the time! I asked them why a while ago and they said when you find someone special that makes you feel all fuzzy inside you say that!¨ She said simply ¨I´ve been wanting to say that to you for a while¨ She continued ¨ It´s like… You make me happy! Like when you have the ice cream I want so we can share and stay with me on my birthday and like that time there was a storm and you gave me Berry to make me feel better and held my hand¨ She said grabbing my hand in hers like she was making a point and boy was Riley Mathews doing a good job at making me understand a bit more what this weird thing that love is ¨It´s when you feel like you want someone forever. You-you love me too right?¨ She asked and I knew it was the complete truth when I said yes to her. That again was a good birthday but don´t get me started on my birthday the same year where she hugged me in front of everyone, whispered happy birthday in my ear to then kiss me in the cheek and said those same 3 words again. That´s when she showed me this new feeling that was having my heart speed through my chest and boy did that confused 9 years old Maya.  
So 9 years old and the answer to what love is would be: Riley Mathews.  
A lot of things changed since then, I found a true passion for art and I found out another type of love, love in doing something. That and well the way my mom kept kissing me in the head as a greeting no matter what time it was every time she got home… That´s pretty much all I knew about love.  
I kept growing though. I looked through the window and I got angry a lot, I got angry at what I saw, I got angry with the world, I got angry with my dad, with myself. It bothered me, you know? It bothered me; there was this woman, Emma, from two floors down. Every day I went to school and she was going out as well, she always wishes me a good day and then if we see each other again she asks how was my day, she asks about Riley (Yes, I´ve known her long in off for her to know who Riley is) and she´s always so sweet to me. That´s real, what´s also real is that I hear quite often how her husband keeps beating her up. It wasn´t even rare for a while, I saw the bruises. It was not fair, like Tom; he´s this little boy that´s around where I live. What a fun kid, messy hair and always carries this playful smile that if you didn´t look close in off you´d think there was nothing wrong with him. I´ve been watching though, he´s really skinny and when you look close in off to those eyes you can see the hidden permanent state of worry he´s in. If you see him, he´ll probably make you laugh but the truth is he has two little brothers at home that barely eat.  
This type of thing made me angry, really angry. These types of thing also bring me to the first time I had my first shot of love and actually recognized it. I was 10 and it was genuinely an awful day.  
It all started two days before really. First Emma happened, I came from the Mathews household with a smile on my face, Riley insisted she was old in off to be ok with ghost stories so we turned off the lights on her room, sat on the bay window and read a bunch of things we found online while eating ice cream (because it´s ice cream and it was on the fridge and I have a theory that Riley is working to have a sugar-induced coma) long story short Riley ended up hiding on my hair practically shaking with her face covered in ice cream and I couldn´t stop laughing. The smile wiped off my face when I bumped into someone on my way to my apartment, sunglasses ended up on the floor and I looked up to see Emma with a badly bruised eye and face, really.  
¨I-I´m sorry¨ I whispered and I truly was ¨I didn´t saw you…¨ I added after a moment. She smiled with the same gentleness she treated me every day.  
¨Don't stop smiling, dear¨ she said as she walked away but I found that a really tough task as my chest was filled with anger. I didn´t sleep that night.  
The day after was definitely not much better, Riley was at the doctor with her mom all day so I didn´t get to see her much and that bummed me out because that just left me and the math homework that I did not how to do so, yeah, I wasn´t exactly hopeful for that day. Shouting was the first thing I heard as I walked inside my building. Emma again and her dumbass husband he was actually grabbing at her arm with such a force I kind of wanted to do something but I didn´t know how was I supposed to help. I entered and walked there, it was easier than I thought since as soon as I came in view he let go of her and mumbled her to walk and they were gone. They didn´t look at me twice. I stood in the lobby for a while, not really knowing what to do. Some time happened and I was still in shock but I forced my legs to get to my apartment. Not such a great Idea. My mom was actually home and that was rare, normally I would be ecstatic but I wasn´t because of the tears that were still falling on her cheeks as I got next to her. She held on to me like that night so long ago and kissed me on the head as she sobbed. Somehow I knew, I knew it was because of him. I was right; she told me as we had dinner a letter came. My father had another family.  
At first, I didn´t really know how to deal with it, the pain on my mother´s eyes, it broke my heart. It reminded me of the pain on Emma´s eyes today and most days really. I cuddled my mom that night and I felt her cry again, I knew she thought I slept for a while. Tears ran from my eyes as I whispered ¨You´re everything to me¨ I don´t need him, I said to myself. I don´t owe him anything, he´s the one that owes me everything. We both cried harder and harder for a while until we stopped. It stopped and I felt her fall sleep. I slept with pictures of Emma´s face filled with purple bruises and my mom´s face stained with tears.  
I woke up and there weren´t tears on my mom´s face but there was sadness still on them. I promised myself I would make it better for her, so I squeezed her hand and left the house for school but there was one feeling that I could not shake.  
Anger.  
That day I was really fucking angry; because of my dad, that was an asshole, for Emma´s husband that was even more of an asshole, because I didn´t know what to do and because I was going to class and I had no homework because I spend the night crying with my mom.  
I got to class knowing there was nothing that would take the scowl from my face, not even the ball of sunshine whose eyes shinned the moment I got in the room and saw it as an opportunity to talk my ears off. I tried though, I did my best to quiet everybody else´s noise and concentrate on my friend´s voice but our teacher seemed to think differently about our behavior and started yelling to us but mostly Riley and started saying a bunch of bullshit like she was disrespectful and stuff and we kind of were but I wasn´t having it so I snapped and told her to mind her own business. I was off to the principal and then I was not allowed to sit next to Riley like ever again. That pissed me off so as you may guess I was pretty snappy that day. The break came eventually and I was surprised when not 5 seconds after the bell rang I had a hand clutched with mine. I think she finally caught on I wasn´t really in the mood for talking so we just ate, her hand never leaving mine through the whole time and I didn´t smile but It made me feel less angry at everything else. Every time her thumb brushed my hand a reminder that not everything was wrong.  
That wasn´t it though, after school, we got to her house and we locked ourselves in her room and sat on the bay window, her hand on mine. I opened my mouth to talk but she beat me to it.  
¨You don´t have to talk¨ She said and I would´ve been scared but there she looked so calm looking at me like nothing could go wrong. She looked at me like she knew that the most important thing is us and we both knew we would take care of this, of us ¨I´m here Maya and I will listen to you no matter what´s happening but just know that I´m never going to stop holding your hand, not if you don´t want me to¨ She said squeezing my hand to make a point. She didn´t say the words but I knew this was it, I knew it the whole day as I spent most of it looking down but every time I looked up she was looking at me (from the other side of the room now) and her eyes shined. She looked hopeful like even though I looked sad she could still see light in me, hell I knew it every day even when I wasn´t with her, even in bed with my mom. She didn´t say the words but I did, I whispered that I loved her as I wrapped my arms around her and cried on her shoulder for a while. I told her everything that night and she never stopped holding me, even at dinner with her parents she held my hand under the table and we ate with one hand (Thank god it was pasta).  
Time happened and I learned another thing about love, it´s like a card you can show to life when it´s throwing a lot of shit at you and make yourself focus a bit to keep fighting; it works to shoo everything else away. It felt like the only thing I could rely on in those times.  
If I was being completely honest though, even though each time I looked to her brown chocolate eyes it made me feel over and over that It was more real than anything else in my life, I remembered that it was most likely only temporary because even if I wasn´t the same Maya that believed in princesses and fairy tales I knew it didn´t have to take a prince for life to take her love from me. I knew it all too well, ask my mom.  
It´s been a great journey, my feelings about love have changed over a thousand times. Since I was little, the one thing I truly knew was that love was not as easy as they sell it to you on those fairy tales. I understood that I was not a princess so with that basic concept of love that entails that I needed a castle and a prince to have it then I most likely was never going to experience it; that’s the part I got wrong. I barely learned to read the word ‘dad´ when he was gone, I hated him. It took me a few years, but time made me understand that I had experienced love; I did on the look on my mom's eyes when I hugged her and I certainly did when my dad left. I ask you, do you know what is like to love so deeply you feel like you could throw yourself at the world for one person because that´s how much they matter to you? That it feels like it´s greater than time and space together? I didn´t think I did but even if she didn´t understand it, that´s how little Maya felt about her mom. So I hated him, a lot. I hated him for leaving, I cried and then I hated him and then cried again because I knew it was never in my hands and it still felt like shit. It felt like shit when I saw my mom cry on her room every night, it felt like shit on every birthday and every time I had no one to ask about homework because we were barely hanging on to my mom had to work like crazy and daddy was just gone.  
So that´s how it was for a while, it felt like shit. Then I experienced nicer feelings, I was wary at first but then I understood that I was like that because I already opened myself for the same thing; it was just the other side of the coin. I think love has the best time doing that, it cackles up at us, laughs it´s ass off watching us ripping our heads off trying to figure out the same thing over and over and we still don´t get it.  
I just said ´nicer feelings´ yeah, they are not as simple as they seem. It might be easier for princesses in castles but like I said I was never one.  
Nicer feelings, It all started I think (like everything) with those sparkly brown eyes. What a surprise, right?  
It was subtle and still a little unsettling, a squeeze in the hand, a comforting hug, an extra I love you just in case I forgot, little details. Turns out Riley Mathews loved those and I couldn´t have been any more confused, why would Riley care so much either way? Because she did, oh how she did. Riley took the time to learn how to read that little girl from scratch perfectly like I said, unsettling. She wasn´t supposed to care this much but she did. I felt it when I was on her home and there was always strawberry ice cream just for me because she convinced her parents to add it to the shopping list because it was my favorite. I also felt it when she somehow always knew when I needed hugs and when I wanted her to say I love you first and I didn´t ever have to ask. I remember there was this birthday, 13 I think, everything was so messy I didn´t even remember what day it was and she was right there waiting for me at her house with this massive teddy bear. We went to school holding hands and had dinner with her parents and my mom, we watched a movie and then she took me to her room and gave me a set of art stuff as a present and a bouquet of flowers. She grabbed my hand in hers and intertwined our fingers.  
Riley Mathews was a romantic. I knew I was signed for a lifetime of words, tiny little details and pure affection the second her sparkly eyes looked up to me after apparently been gaining the last drop of courage she needed.  
¨This one’s here¨ She said pointing to the two yellow flowers on the bouquet ¨Are agrimonies, they mean gratitude and I picked them up because of how grateful I am with you and the world for having you for another year in my life. The red ones are scarlet geraniums and mean comfort, the dandelions mean happiness. I know it´s been a rough couple of weeks but I just want you to know that hopefully, you can always find that in me, happiness and comfort¨ She was smiling like the stars just said hi to her and I had tears in my eyes. I pulled her closer and held her tight.  
¨You have no idea how much I love you¨ I said, my head buried on her shoulder.  
That became kind of our thing; she would say heartwarming things to be accompanied by a flower with the perfect meaning. So yeah, every single wall that I put up to protect myself she made it her task to make it crumble to the ground in the blink of an eye. There might be one that stood up a bit longer than the others but it didn´t take her long in off to take it down too.  
That moment I understood that Riley was going to love me and even though I had no idea how that worked she seemed to do it more than just fine. I decided I would love her too, just like she deserved.  
So I let myself care, I snuggled her closer when there was a storm because she was afraid of thunder and watched her favorite romcoms over and over with her, I drew her stuff because art was the most treasured thing to me and I wanted her to be part of it, I told her she looked beautiful every day, over and over and In several different ways if I felt she was feeling insecure, I learned to read her just like she did with me and I pushed myself to make that beautiful smile appear on her face.  
That whole thing seemed to work just fine for us for a while, I loved her and she loved me simple as that. It was for a while.  
Until it wasn´t.  
It simply wasn´t, I remember it like it just happened. For some time Riley was my princess even though I didn´t know what that really meant, she was my dandelion and that was okay because something inside me told me maybe just maybe I was her princess too and that made something warm and fuzzy wake up on my stomach. Weird. Anyways, I realized something was wrong when he arrived.  
Yes ladies and gentleman, the prince.  
Name´s Lucas, huckleberry pain in the ass Friar. He showed up and I felt Riley´s eyes wander around, away from mine, not a nice feeling I might say.  
Pain in the freaking ass, I repeat, because this is the part when I figure out love out a bit more and actually start to crave it.  
We were 14, he was new and despite what Riley might have thought, not a good different. He was there, he was prince charming and I knew deep down that he was there to take her away but I was in way too deep to be ok with it and he didn´t just want to be there, no, time happened and he wanted to hold hands and spend time together (Maya and Riley´s cuddly time) he wanted that! And it annoyed me to no end and Riley seemed to notice. I really tried to be ok with it, she was my friend I wanted her to be happy right? But she was teaching me what love was and she couldn´t just leave right there, It was frustrating. I realize all of these things like I saw them hold hands and I felt my hand missing hers. She would tell me she made plans with Lucas when I was busy and I suddenly wanted to cancel everything and at least be there because what if they wanted to watch a movie? What if he wanted to cuddle? That was my spot on Riley´s bed! What if he- nope, ain´t happening. It was killing me, they weren´t boyfriend and girlfriend yet but I dread that day happening because what did that mean? That she was more his than mine? That he brings her more happiness than I did? It made me feel guilty as hell because I was supposed to be her friend but it infuriated me that he might be her first in so many things that he definitely had no right to be. This kind of thoughts was what gave it away, maybe I loved Riley in more ways than I thought and once I realized this boy did I finally got how much I´ve been wanting it.  
That brought a tornado of feelings. One thing to know about Riley Mathews is that she´s very touchy and cuddly with Maya Hart, she´s always been! And that, as soon as Maya Hart understood her feelings was lovely and frustrating at the same time. It was a mess; she would cuddle up to me in sleepovers and occasionally leave soft kisses on my cheeks and neck, each time she stayed up late and came to school the next day my neck was her favorite spot to sleep at, whether we were at home, Topanga’s or eating breakfast at school. NOT her boyfriend´s, mine and cowboy hat sitting across from us surely didn’t keep her from leaving soft kisses there as “thank you” for letting her borrow my neck. Riley and Lucas were a different headache, painful one by the way. They were basically an on and off confusion, Riles as me was very much confused at feelings too so yeah Bucky and she were a thing. Sometimes.  
She told me I was warmer. My hands were softer too and It was just something else the way ours fit so perfectly together and I believed her because when I had a little exhibition of my art at school she gave me a bouquet of pink and white carnation flowers, they mean fascination and pure love ¨The bouquet doesn´t need explanation, you make me feel like you´re all I need. It keeps surprising me the ways you find for me to love you a bit more every day¨ So yeah, at that moment I didn´t give a damn that she had a boyfriend, she made me feel like she was mine and I was so hers. So I held her hand and pulled her closer to me like she was mine. Of er course denial doesn´t seem to work on this story so this time it didn´t either.  
One week before she turned 15 the kiss happened, she turned 15 and I was a total mess. For the first time in the history of Riley and Maya, we did not speak for a whole weak, pretty stupid right? Well, it didn´t feel like that. It killed me each time I avoided her hurt eyes through the whole week and each time she tried to spend time with me I would become conveniently busy, of course when she told me I put on my best smile and told her I was happy for her even though my heart aches as soon as the words left her mouth. The next day and the 6 days after I did not come to pick her up to school or actually had an actual conversation with her for the matter. Her fifteenth birthday though was another matter. I could not just ignore her like that, she took these things very seriously, besides she always made sure I felt extra special on my birthdays.  
She wanted to spend the day with her family; they were out all day so I took the time to set everything up in her room. She got home by nighttime, walked into the room and her mouth flew open when she took in everything that was inside.  
There was a bunch of different type of flowers and candles (for the effect) spread across the room, I walked on her direction and took her hand in mine, my other hand hiding on my back.  
¨The yellow tulips over there, they mean ´There´s sunshine in your smile´ I heard that and couldn´t help to think about you. Seriously the sun could stop shinning and I would know I´ll always have one of my own, that´s why I always try to keep that smile on your face; it makes me happy. The Irises, they mean ´your friendship means so much to me´ I don't ever want you to forget that the roses are simple ´I love you´ but the most important ones¨ There was this undeniable, overwhelming feeling on both of our chests, the kind of feeling you recognize instantly. I showed her the extra bouquet I had on my back ¨This¨ The salty tears ran through her cheeks and I just wanted to hold her close to me and wipe the tears away, I smiled to her wholeheartedly ¨They are purple and yellow hyacinths, they basically mean ´I´m sorry for being a jealous ass´ ¨ I said chuckling and she looked at me fondly. I did spend the whole afternoon talking with a florist and gushing at the thought of Riley’s face as I entered the world that she loved so deeply¨ I really am, I shouldn´t have acted like that and I wish I had been there with you on your birthday, Happy birthday by the way. I really missed you this week¨ I stopped myself to have some air ¨I´m sorry, I´m nervous-¨ she stopped me hugging herself to me.  
¨You´re so silly peaches, I love this. I don´t get why you did that though? It doesn’t matter what happens or if I get confused… You´re what´s most important for me, always¨ she said, green eyes meeting brown the whole time and it made that thing on my stomach wake up again, I think my face will probably hurt because of how hard I was smiling. Riley giggled ¨You´re so silly¨ She said and then she kissed me square on the mouth. It was slow, soft lips against mine. A shock of electricity ran through my body, her lips moved with mine, meeting each other for the first time. She took my bottom lip like it was hers, making me feel dizzy. She broke the kiss for a moment and I already wanted to kiss those lips again, there was a smile forming on them ¨There… You just had to ask¨ she grinned at me and kissed me some more making me smile like a lovesick puppy. The sound of her mother calling us for dinner broke us apart but in reality, I was too dumbstruck to do anything at all.  
¨I-¨ she pecked my lips and I proceed to suck on her bottom lip because I finally could. I was never getting tired of this.  
¨We have to go¨ she said pulling away and faster than lightning she was off the room, leaving me dumbstruck staring at nothing.  
¨But-¨ Yeah, still not in the room.  
So yeah, that happened and as you may suspect it brought a world of confusion to both of us. It was weird and in some way, it really wasn´t, like this was the way it was supposed to happen. It brought lots of confusion, the next day, for example, we had school and it was chaos. I picked her up and my heart was practically hammering through my chest and don´t get me started the moment she took my hand in hers or showed me that smile of hers that she seemed to save just for me. I know I´m a sap but whatever, I´ll be whatever she wants. So we got to class together and that´s when I thought I would explode. I felt her stare on the back of my head, first of all, rude and second why haven´t she kissed me still? Fuck that, I said to myself, she currently has a boyfriend. So I ignored It, not like before that I blatantly ignored everything she said to me but I kind of conveniently got into conversation with Farkle and Smackle the whole break, of course, we were holding hands the whole time and at some point she got comfortable and laid her head on my shoulder but other than that I kept in mind that I was dealing with someone´s girlfriend.  
That didn´t even last a day, everything kind of went to shit when I dropped her on her doorstep (or intended to) and she pulled me inside with her. She pulled me in and made me sit on the couch next to her, she didn´t seem to be ok with the little space between us so she pulled me close.  
¨don't think I didn´t notice how you were avoiding me¨ She said and I looked down because I had been busted ¨Was it because of what I did yesterday?¨ She said and I heard insecurity on her tone so I looked up and gave her what I thought was a reassuring smile.  
¨I did kiss you back, you know? ¨ I said, making a sweet smile appeared on her face.  
We started talking about nothing and everything and that was the thing with her, everything felt so natural. It was special like every little story was suddenly a bit different, like I could finally really look at her and she could do the same to me. At some point we were both laying on our backs, shoulders touching, she was rambling about this book that she just read and how the author left so many unanswered questions and I swear I was feeling love. It felt like the world stopped like she was the only thing alive and I suddenly could feel her in colors, all types of different, living colors. So we kept talking and I told her about art and how I just felt the need to create something that would make other people really feel, because I knew I could and it felt like I had to and she looked at me with this fond look that didn´t need any words but still mumbled the world ¨Beautiful¨ and then said she would kick my ass if I ever gave up on it. We kept talking, her parents got home and we were still talking and I got home almost at one in the morning, earning a scream from my mom but I was dumbstruck as I realized I just showed a lot of me to another person and it wasn´t even the first time. I don´t know maybe I knew then that I wanted to keep doing that over and over.  
The thing about love is that it´s so freakishly strong that when it hits you it hits you with all its force, so when you love like this it isn´t pudding, something like a smile can set your heart on fire or a simple kiss and stuff like someone else grabbing that person´s hand in hers like it wasn´t just in yours could genuinely make your heart go from on fire to broken in a second.  
That´s when the vulnerable parts of love don´t seem as peachy as before, that´s when you feel each word and each kiss come right back at you with the exact same force it was thrown at and that´s something you need to be prepared of. Lucas was a good guy, always was. The thing is he had a liking for the girl whose name was written on my heart so yeah I didn´t felt really bad about the thought of hurting him. He had her for a year anyways! Riley did not think like that, she was mine she said but I needed to be patient, Lucas has been with her for over a year and blah blah bullshit. So I got to kiss her lips as long as there was no one else around, but I did not get to call her mine or take her on a date, no that was his apartment. So I became a bit cranky as the days passed and Riley noticed as I didn´t felt like staying t for kisses after school, why doesn´t she kiss her boyfriend then.  
We were one day on her bed, I was lying between her legs and my lips were on hers but it wasn’t feeling quite as good, the thought of her watching a movie with Bucky later on the back of my head.  
¨You´re being weird¨ she mumbled, I sighed deeply and got off her laying on my back, side by side to her.  
¨I´m not¨ I said brushing it off.  
¨You didn´t hold my hand on the way home and you have barely kissed me today¨ she said pouting.  
¨That´s because we were in school the whole fucking day and that´s McBoing´s job there, isn´t it? ¨ I said bitterly.  
¨You want me to break up with him¨ she said and I ignored her, staring blankly at my phone.  
¨No Riley, I love every moment I’m sharing you with Bucky¨ I said and that´s pretty much how it went. I picked her up every day, kiss her morning, ignored huckleberry´s hand in hers (on good days, other days I had to bear seeing her lips pressed to his as if they just hadn’t been trapped in mine, as if it didn't sting each time) proceed to ignored her for a bit, kiss her some more and then when the rollercoaster was done we´d fight at her house and occasionally mine because even though she tried to make me feel like it was so, she wasn´t mine and it was breaking my heart.  
So what is love? I don´t know, I could have explained it to you as a coin, Riley Mathews being the one in control of the throwing of course; so love could mean heartbreak as much as that same heart, bursting into flames just by a kiss. It could be the increasing fights or the kisses I left on her skin, the light on her eyes. Maybe it meant it all, even that feeling on my stomach as I saw his eyes on her.  
Love can be the death for time and space if it wants to. I remember this one key moment, I told myself I was sure, that had to be it; the moment that somehow you get to disconnect and you feel it happening, everything stops and your world becomes the size of the person right in front of you and the stars might even look down to watch because that´s how important it is and I knew it because I felt like finally, I had some kind of control. I felt bigger somehow and it all happened while eating chicken wings.  
Riley was about to turn 16 so it had been almost a year since our first kiss and it was kind of hard to find the right balance. The fights got only louder and messier, while the kisses each contained more feelings and passion than before and there was this alarm in my head that warned an explosion and it was really a matter of time.  
You know how the rainbow comes after the storm? Well, in this case, everything went kind of backward and that moment that I just described to you, the moment time and space died, was exactly the rainbow right before our skies broke down.  
Now we can get back to the chicken wings.  
It was a Saturday night, her room was freezing cold so we were lying wrapped up under her sheets. Her head was lying on the pillows and I had her bottom lip trapped in mine. The day had been simply perfect, we spend it pretty much on the same position we were right then talking about anything, kissing, watching stupid videos on YouTube. It was a well-gained rest after the week we had. Long story short, cowboy hat was pretty needy; some horse back home died or something and of course that inquired Riley´s complete attention on the boy so yeah I was pretty fucking pissed the whole week despite Riley´s reassurances and I mean who wouldn´t if they saw their girl in another´s arms for a week straight and I mean that on the literal sense of the word, cowboy hat turned out to be quite the cuddly one and I was still not a bit happy with his situation, to begin with, but whatever, she promised me the weekend and I was not going waste time with her fighting. I knew it was the right decision as she began to suck on my bottom lip.  
I pecked her lips and felt this thing burn in my chest with the smile that grew on her face so I repeated it, and again. Her lips pressed on mine, and then to the side of my jaw making its way to my throat, her beautiful mouth nibbled the skin there and suddenly moved to my lobe. I could feel her hitched breath right next to my ear, she mumbled unexpectedly “I want chicken wings” And I couldn’t help but laugh at that.  
Another fact about Riley Mathews is that she’s a complete and utter mess at eating chicken wings; I mean, barbeque chicken wings are meant to at least leave your hands a little messy but she took it to another level. Her hands were gross, (Mine weren’t really far from that state to be fair) her clothes though were just unbelievable and her face… It was awfully cute.  
There was this little cute barbeque stain on the tip of her nose “Aw, baby” I said as I kissed it off making her smile and scrunch her nose a bit making her look like a puppy “God, you have no I idea how cute you look right now”  
She pecked my lips and then proceeds to examine herself, last chicken wing still in hand “I don’t even know what to do with myself” She concluded giggling.  
“I’ll help you” I said and started erasing the little stains off her face with my mouth, leaving little kisses on her cheeks and jaw making her giggle more.  
“That tickles” we were both giggling and I grabbed her face to pull her lips to mine. Happiness suddenly burst in my chest as I couldn’t contain the smile on my lips. There was this new passion growing in my chest; this need, desperate. The kiss deepened, her mouth opened to mine and our tongs met each other softly, brushed, danced, explored each other and I suddenly wanted to make love to her under the stars, worship each and every part of her. The realization made my heart skip a beat and my breathing stopped, taking our kiss to an end. I found myself staring at confused eyes, still, no air in my lungs as I was still in shock "I-I'm in love with you" The words came out and I had to regain my breath as it all sank in. I knew It was love as I felt the world around me turn smaller, it all molded with such a simplicity into the form in front of me. I knew as I glanced to the sky through the window and it seemed to knew all along, I knew because I had the sudden urge to run as fast as I could, run until my legs wouldn’t bare it. There was fear on my chest, my world was made out of glass and I suddenly felt knives and metal bullets coming right at it.  
I was dumbstruck as the words left my mouth, I'm pretty sure I felt the statement reach her ears and made something inside her explode, maybe her heart even though I hope not.  
I felt like crying “not a prince” repeated in my head, “not yours” “out of glass” “metal bullet”.  
“I’m sorry” I said but made no attempt to move, maybe I had to make sure she wouldn’t break but there didn’t seem to be any other logical place to be than right there with her and I kept repeating to myself over and over that was fucked up.  
“Peaches…” She started but I stopped her putting a hand on her hip signaling I wanted her attention.  
“I’m sorry, you’re my world. I don’t think you realize; we’re made of glass” the words came chocked up out of my throat “We’ll break Riley. We can’t break each other” I pleaded, she understood but I saw the alarms turning on her head as the situation set in.  
“Hey, I won’t let you break. You can’t leave me, I l-lov” I knew she saw the finality on my look. I cut her off with a kiss on the lips that didn’t last long in off.  
“I know you do” I said truthfully yet stood up and left the room, not looking back as I heard her call my name.  
“I love you too” she mumbled alone in her bedroom; sticky fingers from the chicken wings we devoured minutes ago and I believed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two? English is not my first language so, yeah... Sorry for any typos. I really enjoyed writing this since it was pretty much me sharing my feelings about love. There's so much more left to rant so maybe I'll post a second part soon, besides cliffhanger.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of the resolution of what happened in the last chapter. Hope you like it!

It’s funny, the way things happen like it’s some kind of elaborated plan created by god knows who, perhaps the universe, or some force above that finds joy in watching us in distress. I remember the moment I knew though, It was this feeling in my bones that things would simply not be the same anymore, like the universe was about to stop having pity on me, of my innocence. I was at a pretty young age yet there was something in me that truly knew and it terrorized me.  
That’s why when I found myself in Riley Mathew’s room that night with her lips on mine, this overwhelming feeling on my chest, every fiber on my body screaming at me that I completely adored the girl. I was in love and it took me back to that little girl, terrified of change, which would rather isolate herself than to face the unknown the world wanted to hit her with.  
So I ran, I ran until I felt she and everything she couldn’t help but make me feel were far in off that I could imagine it wasn’t there at all, at least momentarily.  
There was something so beautiful that came with wandering off at this time of the night, something in the atmosphere that made everything feel so alive, so gentle, like whispering in an ear; something so interesting in the stillness in the air, a touch of mystery in the awareness of the other wandering souls making their way on empty streets.  
I thought about everything in my life, my mom, my house, hers, art, her parents, even Emma and Thomas and contemplated how this revelation could affect them too. Welcome to my brain. Infuriating, right? Not much passes by without being thought twice.  
I ended up sitting, out of breath near what I assumed was a public park yet was too distracted to pay much attention to either way. I didn’t quite know whether I was closer to her house or mine. The dark blue sky above me seemed so overwhelmingly big right then, not a single star at sight, the collection of apartments accompanied by a strategically placed row of trees taking all the attention from the sky. I wondered if there was anybody up there, wondering the same things like me, fearing the world of pain and destruction loving someone inevitably brought.  
My feelings that night about love were hectic, the memory of my speeding heart, it made me painfully aware of that other heartbeat far away from mine. She was most likely terrified too.  
I went home with a frantic heart, the events of the night mixed up in my head by then. It all seemed kind of surreal, lying in bed with Riley, my best friend since elementary school; her smile, that heavy feeling in my chest, chicken wings. I had blurted out those three words mere hours before and it all felt awfully normal.  
I went radio silence for the next couple of days after the incident, waiting around for something to suddenly explode but time only left me about three days later pinning her against the wall of a school hall. An action that was pretty bold since Mr. Mathews was most likely roaming around the place.  
Even more dramatic Lucas the good could appear out of a corner.  
“We’re ending this” I stated, our mouths glued together, and I swear this made sense somewhere in my head. She wrapped her arms around my neck pulling me closer seemingly needing this as much as I did.  
“Everything about this is contradictory” She mumbled against my mouth and I couldn’t help but agree.  
“I know” I pulled on her lip and unconsciously felt good about the fact that she would go back to her boy toy with the mark of my lips on her swollen ones “We are seriously going to stop though” I said but wrapped my arms on her waist pulling her closer despite myself.  
That specifically felt easy. Love is easy. Love is easy? It seemed so, it seemed so easy to glue myself to her, to not question, to feel her smile on my lips, her happiness and mine.  
I guess that was easy. What's not easy is everything that comes afterward.  
The moment our bodies pulled apart and we caught a last glance at each other to go our separate ways I started feeling anxious. Love is easy, I reminded myself.  
But my thoughts were not easy and the idea of irreparably hurting Riley Mathews wasn’t either.  
I bought a punching bag and some gloves because my habit of punching walls was getting a little too over the limit given all my pent-up frustration lately and I did not want to deal with having a broken hand or whatever.  
I woke up every day and put an easy smile on my face, my shoulders relaxed and my head high. "I'm fine" I'd say when someone noticed my frequent spacing off. Outside the doors of my house, I became this persona, I soon realize was just a defense mechanism due to all of my undealt shit.  
There was this tiny flaw with the miss perfectly fine façade: She doesn’t care. Easier said than done.  
So it was the start of the week, early morning, and I walked out of my house with one task in hand. Not caring primarily but in order to do that, I had to make my way through the familiar path that led to the Mathews' home.  
I decided to do it the old way and climb into the bay window. To give you some context I should explain that Riley and I’s rocky relationship let us into a pretty nasty fight and we hadn’t said a word to each in the past 5 days or so, that being the cause of her shocked expression as she heard me knocking on the window but still proceeded to open it up anyway.  
“Hey, sunshine” I said and leaned in to kiss her lips. She was noticeably surprised by the action but still seemed to not have any complaints and I smiled. She was wearing a tiny bow in her head today. Precious. My eyes wandered down and noticed the tiny shirt hugging her body tightly, she scratched the back of her head making the fabric roll up, showing a portion of the skin of her stomach, soft and smooth, it took my attention.  
She cleared her throat; her cheeks also seemed to redden due to my blatant staring.  
“Hey, silly, you know you don’t have to knock to come in here, right?” She stepped back so I could actually get inside the bedroom and I did exactly that.  
“I know” I stated simply with a smile on my face. I had convinced myself things were supposed to be simple and the air feels light so I guessed that meant I had succeeded on my mission. Even she had a smile on her face.  
“I need to talk to you” I started and took a deep breath “We have to stop. We need to stop. I’m done discussing this, I’m done arguing” Her eyebrows furrowed at my statement.  
“But you just-” I interrupted her, already knowing where her line of thought went.  
“I know I just kissed you, that’s not what I mean; I mean the drama, the constantly walking on eggshells, the unnecessary fights, the tears, and the hurt. I’m over it” My hand reached to smooth her brown locks that obviously had yet to be brushed and I smiled at her because that was easy. She looked confused, though. I chuckled and pecked her cheek.  
“We’re too attached to each other” I stated and took a breath to continue. Riley looked troubled, I understood that look in her eyes instantly. She didn’t like this subject; it was not the first time our friendship had been labeled as too much, it wasn’t news that we were attached but Riley never liked when those facts were used negatively. I loved her so, so deeply and I knew she was not buying it. She looked at me fierce which made a funny contrast with her purple bunny pajamas. It made me feel loved and triggered the tiniest smiles, it also reminded me of my point. I never said I liked it.  
“We are, and that’s why it got so messy the minute we tried to mix up what we had with something else. What we have is already too big, it’s gigantic!” Riley chuckled at the dramatics and I grabbed both of her hands and press my lips to the back of her right one “Normal people, when they fall they haven’t built a universe length of history around them; they are searching to find something amazing but, baby, what we have is already amazing” I was being honest on that very moment and I believed every word because there’s not a thing about her that it’s not truly amazing.  
“I’m done tainting that up” I said finally. She opened her mouth to speak but I cut the words off her mouth.  
“I’m done with drama. We are forever going to be Riley and Maya. You and me, baby, always. From now on we’ll get to be just that” She sighed deeply, still looking at me like she was angry, obviously wanting me to let this go.  
“You seem to have made up your mind yet I’m still completely lost in here, peaches, what are you saying?”  
“Besides I love you?” I grinned but found myself sighing afterward.  
“Be with Lucas Riley, be happy. I’ll always be around, messing things up and shit” I chuckled, the expression on her face unreadable to me. She looked calm, yet a bit offended. I stared at her sympathetically.  
“Look, I love your lips” My eyes wandered to her mouth, soft and pink and inviting. I had to remind myself to continue.  
“That’s why even though I was sure about every word I was going to say to you long before I got here, still the first thing I did was kiss you. I love the way your body feels against mine and I don’t regret a single moment spend with you, whether we spend it munching on ice cream and watching family guy or making out in your bed. Not even the times we screamed at each other because of all of it. I love you, honey” I swore that smile could make your heart grow much more than ten sizes. My heart swelled and I couldn't help myself, I connected our lips together and kissed her fondly.  
This felt incredibly big for me because even though I was letting her go It was the first time I genuinely felt worthy of love. Big steps for Maya Penelope Hart.  
“I swear you’re making no sense but somehow I get it” She said making me laugh, our foreheads touching. We are so naïve, I thought to myself, we’ve created this beautiful bubble around ourselves yet we failed to notice love is made out of sharp edges.  
Screwed from the very start.  
“But wait” She steps back quickly seemingly on an attempt to clear her head “You said you want to stop?”  
“You have to understand, I don’t want you to be anything but my love”  
“What is that supposed to mean?”  
“It means we should be happy. We deserve so” I was definitely starting to get frustrated and that didn’t go well with who I’m trying to be so I took a deep breath. I was about to speak but she beat me to it.  
“Just say the words” She states simply and I did just that.  
“You’re free to be with Friar, you’re free to be with anyone at all. We’ll both just do our thing, no complications, no hurt feelings. I just want your happiness and mine”  
“You want to stay friends then? Not blatantly ignoring each other even though we’re inevitably bound to come across one another one way or another?” I laughed.  
“Yes, definitely Friends”  
“Do we… Can I still kiss you and stuff?”  
“Always”  
***  
“Are you kissing other people?”  
Was the first thing she asked when we sat on the staircase where we usually had lunch with the guys and I laughed as I got to unwrap my sandwich, said guys being suspiciously late although it might be just us being early.  
“I guess. It’s not like you don’t have your own pair of lips to kiss besides mine. I'm actually surprised Bucky hasn't shown his face by now actually” It’s like I summoned him because he and his stupid Texan accent appeared walking in our direction with the other guys as they talked amongst each other, chest puffed, head high. Kids that wanted to look like men.  
“Cheer up, buttercup. Here he is.”  
“Hey, babe. Maya” He greeted and pecked her forehead and I just smiled. Riley’s eyes didn’t leave mine for a second; she seemed to be pondering something. I interlocked one of her hands with mine giving it a soft peck intently before letting it go. Boyfriend over there didn’t even blink.  
Something in me wanted to growl at the couple sitting beside me, little miss sunshine over there seemed to have perked up with the cowboy’s arrival and I’m not entirely sure if it’s all just for show or she was just that happy. I took a deep breath and stole one of Riley’s fries that may I add were just provided by the boy toy.  
“So, what were you talking about?” Said Farkle innocently, he seemed to be eying our behavior closely, and in all honesty, I would not be surprised if he knew everything that was going on between Riley and I. The kid’s a genius and we’re not exactly subtle.  
“Love” Riley answered back, and I pondered if it would be alright to stab her with Zay’s fork.  
So much for avoiding complications. The subject followed me, I’m telling you.  
“It’s stupid” I grumbled and gazed back at Riley trying to express my thoughts of changing the subject, darling, or I'm stabbing you. I tried signaling towards Zay’s fork to prove my point but he just looked at me funny.  
“Love, a variety of different emotional and mental states, typically strongly and positively experienced, ranging from the deepest interpersonal affection to the simplest pleasure” Smakle explained while staring at Farkle with the dopiest smile and I laughed at the cuteness.  
“Please, Hart, explain to me how we managed to surround ourselves with this” Zay signaled at both couples around us. I did my best to ignore how the ones beside me suddenly started sucking face.  
“Hell if I know Zay” I mumbled.  
“Oh, Come on Maya, It’s not like you can control it. One day your tiny little Maya heart will find the right person and you’ll be doomed to feel whatever you’re gonna feel” Says cowboy, who seemed to think adding that to the conversation was important in off to stop the face sucking. What a fool.  
“I call bullshit on that, Friar. The decision to feel what I want to feel is still mine”  
“That makes no sense” He chuckled dumbly “Besides, why would you ever decide not to feel love?”  
“I guess I have my reasons” I argued back "I guess I just don't want to pretend to embrace the fuzzy side of me is going to make any of my problems better. From my experience, the damn thing just hands you more problems instead"  
“But it’s worth it. At the end it’s worth it, yes, you get scared at first and that’s completely normal but you’ll be missing something amazing if you don’t at least try” I repeated my no complications mantra as the damn boy spoke staring at my favorite pair of eyes, and it’s not that I regretted my decisions but it simply pissed me off that he was talking like he had found a miracle but she was my miracle, my light, my fucking princess in the castle.  
And I couldn’t help but feel outraged because this whole thing made me feel like the little kid I was that cared so much about princesses and castles and motherfucking princes on shinning armors, because maybe I thought I was over it but the truth is I haven't moved a step since then.  
“I just don’t see it like that cowboy, there are always bigger things and sometimes you just have everything to lose. I mean, seriously, you made the jump, and where does that leave you? What did love ever really give to you, huh?”  
“It gave him me” Riley speaks up for the first time “Isn’t that important to you, Maya?” She looked hurt. Great.  
Did it? I wanted to ask. Are you really his?  
But I kept quiet because it wasn't my business either way. I rolled my eyes.  
“I don’t even know why we’re discussing this, please just go back to sucking face in the corner. Zay and I will look away this time” Everyone was quiet after that.  
That was definitely a messy day.  
Riley didn’t talk to me after that, she stared at me angrily but said nothing, acting like I offended her or something.  
By the end of the day, I had all this pent up energy that I had no idea what to do with… It infuriated me; my inability to make the pieces fit. I made a quick list in my head to get rid of the energy on my system. Running maybe, punching something, Friar’s face maybe. Each very nice options but still didn’t beat the obvious answer to my problem.  
So I found myself painting a mess, or maybe I just felt like a mess. Maybe both.  
I barged in the school’s art classroom and for the first time in the day I allowed myself to feel, to scream with my brush, with the paint, inside the canvas; I let out the blue, the black, the red.  
My head, my thoughts were going wildly. I felt like I was speeding inside a car I didn’t know how to drive, it was suffocating and reckless.  
So I painted, and I focused, breathed, and grunted at the splattered colors that made no sense.  
“Hey” Said the voice of the worst person that could've shown up then.  
“I don’t want to talk, Riles” She must know, I thought to myself, she must feel it. I practically growled.  
“I know you don’t” She took a step closer to me. Please, I begged in my head. I could feel her breath, hitting gracefully the back of my neck.  
“Riles” I mumbled, deep down knowing all my attempts would be worthless. So much for not caring.  
“I just don’t get what happened” She sighed, her lips dangerously close to my skin.  
“Riley, please”  
“Peaches” She whispered the pet name she gave me ages ago, by then it contained a whole different meaning than it did when we were eight-year-olds; it's like a warning, her way of letting me know she's serious about what she wants. Her hand slipped slowly from my shoulder to my arm, brushing my skin like a feather, then to my hand and wrapped it around my own that was gripping the brush forcefully. A few seconds happened.  
Stop it.  
Her hand wanted to intertwine itself to mine.  
Go away.  
“Maya”  
I cannot breathe properly when you’re this close.  
“I said I didn’t want to talk!” I snap, pushing her away as lightly as I could.  
“You cannot just make the decision to leave me out of this!” She was definitely angry too. Ignore her Maya, she will eventually get tired and go away. Yeah, right, it’s Riley Matthews you’re talking about.  
I’m still gonna try.  
Stubborn ass.  
I hold my breath and start making black flat lines on the canvas.  
“Butt out, Riley” I say keeping my cool, all my angry thoughts going to the brush on my hand.  
“If you think I’m going to let you shut me out like this” That’s it. I didn’t let her finish as I grabbed the black paint in my hands and spilled the whole pot on her head making her gasp.  
We were both shocked for a second and I smashed our lips together before any sound leaves her lips. I pulled her into me, my arms had thoughts of their own and they seemed to want her close. My hand tangled in her hair, I felt her walking backward until we collided with the desk holding the paints, a storm of colors tainted her jeans. I felt her reach back for something and I’m too focused on her lips to notice when she pours purple liquid on me.  
“Asshole” I said, sucking her lip and she chuckled against mine. Big brown eyes opened up to stare a mine, she leaned in and our noses brushed making the purple mix with black.  
"I just ate the paint off your mouth” She said making a face. I pulled her lip with my teeth playfully in response, her arms wrapped around my neck managing to keep the space between us no more than a few centimeters.  
“You’re disgusting” She smiled sweetly at me, and it was that kind of thing that tugged at my heart, that kind of truthfulness, innocent to the world; it made my breath hitch and my heart do double backflips because when we were this close, she managed to wipe it all out, to paint me purple.  
And just like that, I felt my façade crumble.  
“I don’t know how you do it” I said, feeling my throat tighten and chuckled.  
“What do you mean?”  
I love you too much. It was all over my head, I just couldn’t find the strength to ruin things between us. I knew it was irrational, I knew there had to be better ways but it’s so damn unfair. There had to be a better way… one where I didn’t have such big possibility of ruining Riley Mathews.  
“Fuck, Riley, We cannot keep doing this!” I pulled away “This is so damn stupid. We need to stop hurting each other”  
“How the hell are we hurting each other? We need each other! I need you!” She exclaimed trying to reach me “You’ve never hurt me peaches” The words came much softer.  
“You don’t get it…” I closed my eyes tightly in frustration “There’s shit that’s happening to me… My head, it gets dark sometimes… A lot of the times, and I” I took a breath to try to order my thoughts, I urged my brain to make sense.  
“Most of the time I’m just lost, I don’t know how to deal with that stuff, it surpasses me. I’m broken, Riley, I’ve always been and I’m terrified to taint you with all of my bullshit. I wouldn’t ever forgive myself for it”  
“Some things are worth getting hurt for” She stared, her voice steady. It’s like her body straightened up, telling me silently how serious she was.  
“It’s a decision you make every day” She continued.  
“I don’t want to! I never did” I said pitifully “It’s, I don’t know, a natural reaction. I don’t want it to be, either way loving you was never a decision. You were always you, I was tragically lucky to be me next to you. It was never a decision of mine for you to appear in my life, you just did, I never decided for you to stay. You came skipping into my life and I couldn’t have dreamed of it, it was never a choice. There are billions of people in this world, I see them, talk to them and they come and go every day. I didn't choose you, I saw you and my heart already had your name on it. It races in my chest because it has always known. Letting myself hurt you would be betraying the heart that pumps my blood and screams for you, so, so desperately. That’s a choice”  
Back then it felt doomed, it felt like punishment. I thought she was the one doing the deed but really it was me; I was the one hurting myself. I just couldn’t let myself be actually happy. Even after seeing the look on her face, or her teary eyes, her lips that struggled to stay in a straight line. I knew my attempts were futile, that I would always love her too much, that there was no way it would stop or disappear. Just the idea of ever wanting someone the way I wanted her, needed her, was laughable.  
You condemned me to be afraid of sunlight, of the green trees and I abhor each one of the clouds, each drop falling from the sky.  
You made my skin sensitive to everything but your touch, everything but your lips, everything but your words.  
Spiteful words filled my head about her, my light, my love, painful but infinite.  
I'd like to ask how you managed to make your words caress my ears ever so softly, every little bit of you, every fiber collided with mine just right, making me crash and burn against everything else.  
Teenage years can be so dramatic, you can't do anything but laugh at yourself afterward.  
I had to learn how to cope, make the decision to stop hurting myself, to actually work to be better, learn to do it, learn to want it. I always knew there was something dangerous about want, it crawls into your veins and burns. I wanted her, there was no denying of it. Still, I was so scared, terrified to hurt her, to hurt myself further. Because, yeah, we did hurt then but it was bearable, so, how do you know what's in off, what's too much? How do you know without crossing the line, without ending up empty from the inside out? How do you tell what's right from wrong when everything's unbearably grey?  
Those thoughts haunted me to no end and this doubt, it just seemed to assure me further that I wasn’t worthy of a love like hers.  
Neither of us knew what we were doing, romance, feelings, or expectations, even with the most honest intentions we couldn’t help but mess up those delicate matters. We were both running, trying to escape from the noise and the guilt. It couldn’t have been smoother, it wouldn’t have been real. It gets better as you get older. Riley would yell, we’d both cry, stumble back into each other to then crumble.  
“Stop being so stubborn!”  
“Stop being a spoiled brat!”  
“I don’t love him, I love you!”  
"Can't you understand that it kills me seeing you with someone else? That I'm in love with you, that I try to convince myself that it's ok to love you but in the end, you can’t be mine”  
“It scares me too!”  
“You don’t think I want it, your touch, your kiss, your love? I crave it”  
“I’m leaving him”  
They were, most definitely, delicate matters. I guess teenage years in general feel like your world is constantly about to explode, and the thing is the bubble does pop. It's supposed to, and I knew that; always had a feeling it would. It did and I wanted her close naturally, the world around us changed but the pull still felt magnetic, it endured.  
Love.  
It’s about being so deep in the void of the night sky, about that recklessness inside you that punctures holes to find the light; It’s all about that part buried deep inside us, that part that’s been there all the way with us, that part that knows there’s light underneath and its possible to swim on the sea of stars.  
That part, it tells you to burn even when there’s nothing left but ashes. That part that is indestructible. You know, with the passing of years, that you just don’t throw away indestructible shit. Not when we live in a world made out of glass, not when we know the void underneath.  
I was about to turn 17, still learning, still confused by this whole love thing; I started to think I had some shit figured out, love is pain I repeated to myself as I stared at brown eyes, they seemed to be a world apart.  
Being greedy and selfish was a thing that I couldn’t afford apparently.  
There was this point where I don’t know, stars collided, who knows? shit happened, bubbles popped and the universe decided it was time to alter something in my world and chaos unraveled. Has that ever happened to you? The world just seems to be having a fit and you find yourself with a mess that's supposed to be your life? Well, reviewing up to that point, what did I knew about love? It's fucking important; it can show itself as a kiss in your forehead from your mom, that feeling of joy in your chest after laughing too much with the kid that's like a brother, maybe even rosy lips connecting with yours.  
I can sure as hell say it can mean destruction.  
And really, how can anyone tell with certainty what it all means, how it works, why it exists? I can only attempt to describe my journey along with it.  
And as for the why and hows of my relationship with Riley, I’ll never know…  
Maybe it’s been all about the tone of her voice that caresses my ears just right, maybe it was always up to the world’s hands that guided her to my path, or me to her bay window really. I don’t know, at this point if it was me or her, maybe love’s just random, maybe it’s circumstantial, maybe fairy tales are true and we were meant for each other and princesses did deserve their happy endings, maybe there was an actual invisible red string pulling her into me, maybe the world had been aching until we met. Thing is to this day we fit just right and the pull between our bodies feels as heavy as gravity, just as inevitable. What if we were both meant to be so lost so we could find each other in unexpected places. Maybe that’s all it takes, maybe it’s inevitable, mere human connection.  
She made me happy. I can’t really explain it any further, any new place, or old place, or any place at all I stay with her. I’m always with her. I knew that long ago.  
Years ago, bewildering chaos and all, in history class, her dad explained it. Yes, we were rough and undeveloped but we were home. My eyes instantly found hers and we smiled because despite my skeptical self I knew it was true and she did too.  
Love, complex by nature, there was something so ineffably beautiful about it.  
Of that I was sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here it is, a little more than a year later but whatever. I hold this little piece very close to my heart even though it's not the best and it's definitely not a masterpiece but it was never meant to be one, I really wanted to write something about being a teenager confused about feelings and just a little lost and seemingly unable to keep up.
> 
> They end up together btw, I'm not sure that was clear, but yeah, of course, they're endgame. They end up living together in New York, happy and mushy as always with a dog and kids or whatever you want to imagine for them. So, yeah, thanks a lot for reading it means a lot to me and I hope some of you liked my rambling.
> 
> Until next time!


End file.
